What Are You Willing To Allow?

Written by Dr. Perry, PhD
Image Credit: Pixabay


Unfortunately, there are individuals who believe they are doomed to duplicate past mistakes and to repeat the same pattern of negative experiences. They mistakenly believe that it is their fault or their destiny to attract negative behaviors from others.  They expect to experience and accept horrible behaviors from people they have allowed into their intimate circle of friends. Throughout their lives, their personal boundaries have been chiseled away to the point that they are nonexistent or minimal. Without healthy personal boundaries, they have adapted to allow toxic behaviors. They have become highly tolerant and resistant to behaviors that would cause individuals with healthy boundaries to sound the alarm and run.

It is important to point out that the allowance of negative behaviors, from people in your life, is not because of a law of attraction but has everything to do with the law of allowances. What negative behaviors are you willing to allow from the people who surround you? It can be as simple as allowing a person to take a week to respond to your text. Or, it can be as serious as allowing abusive behaviors in your relationships. Much of the allowances you permit have their origins in your childhood. If you were raised to believe that you do not deserve much then you will expect little. Also, you will tend to repeat patterns in your relationships due to your law of allowances.

Repetition of negative behaviors originates in your negative core belief. What you hold true about yourself is a result of a pattern of behaviors that you have experienced. If you have only known toxic behavior from loved ones then this is all you will ever expect. For example, if you have never known kindness and compassion in a loving relationship, such as that with your parents, you will not know to expect it. You cannot expect something you have never seen.

As children, we learn the initial rules of relationships from our parents. They are our earliest role models as to what to expect in our own interactions with people. We learn by watching how our parents interact with each other and most importantly how they interact with us. If your parents did not respect and foster your boundaries then you may grow up thinking you do not deserve to have healthy boundaries. We learn to mirror the behaviors that we experience. For example, if your parents constantly exhibited inappropriate or aggressive behaviors towards you and had little or no respect for your personal boundaries then we will tend to gravitate towards relationships that mirror the relationship you had with your parents. It is important to reflect on our earliest relationships to discover the source of our lack of healthy boundaries.

It is possible to unlearn our earliest childhood lessons. Awareness is a key element for learning how to establish boundaries in all of our relationships. Eventually, each healthy interaction we have will represent a brick to build a wall to shield us from unacceptable behaviors.

I would like to know what negative behaviors you allow in your life that you need to stop. It is important to heal from past negative relationships and to learn not to repeat the same behaviors you have allowed. I would love to hear your thoughts on this post.

Please note, I am unable to answer your mental health questions as I am unaware of the specific details regarding your concerns. If you would like to schedule a free 20-minute consultation with me to see if we would be a good fit to work together please click here to email my assistant, Isabel.

Kindly,
Dr. Perry


CREDENTIALS
Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology
M.A. in Clinical Psychology
B.A. in Psychology


MENTAL HEALTH SUPPORT
“I specialize in a solution-focused approach to treating depression, anxiety, relationship issues, and narcissistic abuse.”
www.MakeItUltraPsychology.com
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117 responses to What Are You Willing To Allow?

  1. Maria says:

    Amazing post. As a child I was not allowed much expression. As an adult I found myself in relationships where my growth was stunted. I have finally reached a point in my life where I do not make excuses for bad behavior. Thank you

    Liked by 13 people

  2. This is actually exactly what I needed to read right now. I have been on this journey of implementing boundaries with many people in my life for a while now. It feels so unnatural that I still worry that I am being ‘mean’ every time I do it. Recently I had to tell a guy friend of mine that I needed him to reply to my messages quicker, and that I needed him to make a plan to see me. (its been 2 weeks since I saw him last, and I have just moved to his city so felt like I needed his support a bit more) In the past when I have stated needs like this I have been labelled as ‘needy’ – but I understand this was by people who did not respect me and were only interested in abusing and taking advantage of me. I did not know any better until I was left devastated by a romantic partner who disappeared on me for the last time, after doing this repeatedly throughout our relationship. Unfortunately expecting people to leave me is a pattern learnt from my childhood, and so I have ended up with many people in my life who repeatedly emotionally and/or physically abandon me in a multitude of ways…I’m working on it 😉 Thanks for a great post

    Liked by 15 people

    • HarleyQ2 says:

      I recently had to do a final reset of some boundaries with someone in my life and it is hard. I felt like I was being mean; however, I recognize that I am doing this for me (I am first) instead of putting the other person first. Be strong on your journey. It feels so good to putting my boundaries back in place.

      Liked by 9 people

  3. MoonGirl says:

    Loved the post! While reading I realized that it is a circle of negative behaviours where I am not only allowing it to happen but also sometimes I am doing it. For example, the simplest example you mentioned which is replying to a message after a week! I tend to do that with people sometimes, and I know its because of a fault of my own. I tend to be lazy, procrastinate or maybe taking them for granted, not respecting their time etc.
    On the other hand, I have been observing lately the kind of negative behaviours I allowed before in my life, bad treatment from a boss or a co-worker for example. I usually didn’t comment or raise a flag when i see such behaviour taking place in my life, but I am trying to speak it out loud, make it clear that these type of actions are not tolerated any more.

    Liked by 8 people

  4. Kimi says:

    I first had to recognize the source of these behaviors (Both born out of childhood trauma about my worth and my expectations). Now, I am constantly working hard to recognize when they are overwhelming me and then sort out what’s really behind it.

    Liked by 10 people

  5. I literally just wrote a blog about finally putting my foot down with my daughter. I didn’t go into the specifics, but I realized that my “help” in her life was actually harmful to her own growth process, and accepting her bad behavior harmed not only me, but her as well. It doesn’t change our dysfunctional past, doesn’t fix anything. I learned in recovery that making an amends means not just saying you are sorry, but trying to change your behavior. Allowing flagrant dysfunction to go on in my life does not jibe with that. I can get down on that level, or I can extricate myself from the situation, which is what I had to do. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt! But boy, oh boy…learning about boundaries for the first time in your life when you are in your forties is not an easy thing to do. Holding them under pressure is even harder. The only thing that keeps me steady is knowing that this will ultimately lead to the best outcome for both of us. Still, it’s painful being shut out of someones life because you decided to stand up for yourself.

    Liked by 13 people

    • Dr. Perry says:

      It’s never too late to learn and apply healthy boundaries. You are the right path. Don’t let anyone make you question your boundaries✨

      Liked by 1 person

  6. JR says:

    I really enjoy your articles, Dr. Perry. Because they always seem to come at just the right time. I’m (re-)learning to not apologize for being me. These are my beliefs, my fears, things I like / hate. Take it or leave it. It’s still uphill work, but it’s kicking in more and more. In my teens and twenties I lived by that attitude, and I felt much better. Also, and this one is really weird (and definitely something I need to work on still), allowing tall blond men to bring out the feeling that I’m not good enough. Growing up o lived in a very anti-Semitic and xenophobic town in Germany. I used to say later that all the Nazis who didn’t make it to South America settled there. I had to keep that Jewish part hidden, but people picked up on it. My father was a Holocaust survivor, so I’m sure that factored in as well. Even though he was the first to say that not all Germans are alike, and that just because someone’s parent or grandparent had been a Nazi, doesn’t mean they are one as well.

    They weren’t all tall and blond, but I knew enough about Nazi ideology for that picture to fester. To this day I still hate Germans with a passion (even though I know not everyone is the same), and I still allow every German I meet to bring out that fear.

    Liked by 8 people

  7. Ilka says:

    I needed to stop believing what I heard from my mother almost every day as a child: I’m exhausting, I’m ungrateful, I’m just make her life miserable, I am nothing, I can nothing, I’m worth nothing.
    I don’t remember how I managed that. I can only say that it was a very long inner journey and it really needed a near-dead experience to escape that negative mindset.
    Writing in public was certainly not on my wish list, but I’m learning through it that I can show myself to the world without fear. I didn’t expect to find such a supportive and positive community here! ❤

    Liked by 14 people

  8. Livingtothelimit says:

    Great post! I needed to read this and to work on setting healthy boundaries in my life. Thank you Dr. Perry. You blog is beautiful❤️

    Liked by 9 people

  9. Thrivinginthesunstate says:

    It hasn’t taken me years to unlearn the toxic lessons I learned from my family. I thought I was not good enough, damaged, crazy, ugly and lots of other horrible things. Once I moved away from my family I realized how wrong they were about me. I let go of the past and I learned my own truths. I want to take a moment to thank you Dr. Perry. I have been following you for a while and I always learn something from your post. Stay blessed ❤️

    Liked by 12 people

  10. This post is so meaningful to me. I finally dis-allowed my mother and sisters to continue to create chaos and misery in my life. I haven’t had any contact with them for 7 years, and my life is so much better without them. I have wonderful friends, an amazing son, daughter-in-law and grandson, good neighbors. I don’t need the constant criticisms and their apparent need to control me. Thank you for this post!

    Liked by 12 people

  11. I’m really grateful that you made this distinction between attraction and allowances. I felt that something was wrong with the concept of attracting negativity but did not have any perspective on how to explain this 🙂

    Liked by 11 people

    • Dr. Perry says:

      Hi Harold, you are correct. The law of attraction suggests there is no control over what we allow in our lives. We have decide what we allow in our lives. Thank you for your comment✨

      Liked by 4 people

      • When I was much younger, I seemed to follow along with others and found myself in a few bad situations. That seems to be a big lesson we have in this life is learning when to say no when those negative influence present themselves 🙂

        Liked by 7 people

  12. Jawsh says:

    I’m in recovery from alcohol and addiction related to cocaine .. I moved back home to focus on my recovery and have several months of much needed sobriety under my belt.. but my father will not admit he has his own issues with alcohol and my sobriety seems to be triggering him and his wife.. as in my heightened perception and awareness because of my sobriety is enabling me to see everything with such perspective they are becoming insecure and basically being triggered by my “healthy lifestyle” I’ve made some serious progress and shifts and that threatens them or makes them uneasy because they are unwilling to change or go the distance themselves for themselves which is kinda sad but its expected.. this path has hardly been easy but the more I work at it which I’ve been doing for some time the easier it does get nowadays anyway .. at first it was daunting and seemed like little to no progress would ever be made or had.. coming up on 6 months here soon 🙂

    Liked by 11 people

  13. I can completely relate to this post. Watching my mom allow men to treat her any kind of way, kind of set the tone for the type of relationships I would have. The only thing is now that I’m older, it is becoming less and less important for me to be in a relationship. The only thing I’m concerned about now is me and making me happy. I know it may be a little late. But I rather be late then not come to realize it at all.

    Liked by 11 people

  14. J.Stone says:

    Absolutely incredible post! This reached out and grabbed my attention on a very deep personal level..
    I think you just became my new therapist 🔥👌

    Liked by 11 people

      • J.Stone says:

        I’m only kind to those who are kind, and to everyone who brings as many positive vibes to this world day after day! Which isnt very many for my life… You help restore some hope for the light, in an extremely darkened world.
        So I do bid you many thanks and wishes of good health for you, and your family as well! Please continue to inspire every individual reading these highly useful articles you write n share to all of us out here, (and in the future)
        You may save more lives then you know! ..
        Stay safe doctor… They know of your talent, they know you spread the Light.
        Their team will invest quite a lot more than average in recruiting you, stopping you..
        Censoring any and all truth to your answers to the fabric of personality which is a very thin invisible cloth floating somewhere and everywhere throughout our brain at the same time..you are a great man. Believe

        Do. Not. Accept.
        (remember your purpose)

        Liked by 6 people

  15. This post hits home! You make a good point and in an uplifting way. I continue to struggle with several mental health issues and past experiences. My relationship with my mom is one I have to reconsider constantly. As a child, I learned to hide my pain as though it didn’t exist. Now I have to pass the invalidation and denial and face the issues so I can live the best I can. I’m learning to fight the doubt in my head with truth.

    Liked by 10 people

  16. I had the most wonderful childhood and my parents are still my best friends. My husband had the complete opposite experience. Thankfully, he didn’t continue this cycle into his adult life within our family. When he was around his family, I could see his downward spiral as he took the belittling and somewhat aggressive behavior towards him. He has learned over the years this is not ok, and recently pushed back. It truly was the most freeing experience. Negativity has no soil to grow in him anymore. I read this to him and it affirms his actions. Great piece! Thank you!

    Liked by 9 people

    • Dr. Perry says:

      Hi Lisa I am so happy this was helpful to your husband. He is on the right path. Thank you so much for your comment✨

      Liked by 2 people

  17. This is an amazing post. I finally understood what was happening to me a few years back. Thankfully my parents and close family supported me through the journey. But the experience has left a scar, and now I prefer to keep my safe emotional distance from people.

    Liked by 8 people

    • Dr. Perry says:

      Thank you. I am happy this post resonated with you. Healthy boundaries are necessary for any relationship✨

      Liked by 1 person

  18. With some, it’s easy to set boundaries. With others, not so much. Family can be the most difficult because everyone wants acceptance and to be needed and not shunned. Some don’t know how to agree to disagree and conflict arises. Glad you posted this. It’s a great reminder for one and all. :)_

    Liked by 8 people

  19. Rayne says:

    It was only through therapy and my relationship with my therapist that I learned about healthy boundaries. It’s been the best lesson I’ve ever had. The therapeutic relationship is so very important if we’ve had a lack of adequate nurturing and relationships in our early years. I still struggle with boundaries, but I learn with every relationship now and it feels so good knowing that I’m allowed to choose who and what I let into my life and space.

    Liked by 9 people

  20. Tina says:

    “For example, if you have never known kindness and compassion in a loving relationship, such as that with your parents, you will not know to expect it. You cannot expect something you have never seen.”

    This really speaks to me, especially the last sentence: “You cannot expect something you have never seen.” Indeed! This makes showing others, love, compassion, kindness and mercy even more important. If you want to see change in someone’s heart you have to be something that they haven’t seen.

    Thanks for sharing Dr. Perry! You’ve inspired me today!

    Liked by 9 people

  21. Yes, I too have had boundary issues. I sometimes forget and begin to slide back, but not near as far or as often anymore. Love the the description of viewpoint between Laws of attraction and Laws of allowances. This concept is what has finally made it simpler to change the behaviors I allow. Thanks.

    Liked by 9 people

  22. This post is me to a T. I allowed my father to be rude to me and say horrible and nasty things to me. The worst part is that he also says them to other family members as well and it has made me feel like dirt. I feel like I’ll never do what I want to do. I don’t want his approval by any means, but I feel that he doesn’t care about me or love me. Real love is taking other people’s feelings into consideration and he doesn’t do that at all. Recently I have begun to feel that I didn’t truly forgive him for stuff he did to me. So I’m going to create space between us so I can work on myself and these issues. I’m going to be getting counseling and dealing with these issues head-on. I finally have had enough of him treating me like this. I’m not a doormat. I’m his daughter. He has NO right to treat me this way. I have to stand up for myself. This is the only way to do that. I can’t wait to see what happens next. Thank you for sharing this post. I loved it. I needed this. I truly did. Thank you, Dr. Perry.

    Liked by 7 people

  23. Personal boundaries were an issue for me in some ways. I used to think I had to answer questions people would pose, even very intrusive and personal questions until a friend and I were discussing this issue and she told me she would always respond, “why do you need to know that?” I started using her tactic and found it worked beautifully, because for many people it is idle curiosity or just plain nosiness – and only hurts us, and sometimes others as well. Now, if the answer to my question fails to satisfy me I refuse to answer theirs.

    I especially liked your thoughts on the law of allowance. “It is important to point out that the allowance of negative behaviors, from people in your life, is not because of a law of attraction but has everything to do with the law of allowances.”

    It takes a fair bit of reflection to discover what I allow and why.

    I have also heard it said that we teach people how to treat us, and I have found that to be true, and very helpful. Today I do my best to teach people to treat me with respect.

    Liked by 8 people

  24. I was raised by a loving, intense mother, who still takes her self-worth from how she raised us. She’s a bit frail now, at ninety, but has all her faculties, otherwise. It does my heart good to see her do anything wholesome and positive, for her own enjoyment, after a lifetime of giving to others. Both of my parents were involved, Dad being thrown off by the constant pressure to work-even overtime. What time he had with us was golden. So, I am one of those fortunates who, despite being mildly autistic, has lived a productive life and following my mother’s example, gives back to others-always within my means. When I have encountered people, especially women alone, who seem to have nothing but difficulty, I don my chivalry suit and work at being a good friend. The last time, a few months ago, was a disaster-like your reader “Quirkenstein”, whom I have never met, this woman had a narcissistic mother, and a history of horrible interpersonal relationships. She was savaged by wounded healers, as well. These things led her to see the cup of life as half-empty, so every small mistake I made was amplified, in her mind. The friendship was not romantic, so I was not let down, when she banned me from her life. I just wish her well.

    Liked by 7 people

  25. IsitsomethingIsaid says:

    This post really resonated with me. I am dreading going home for Christmas. It’s as if they see me like I was 12! This year I am going in loaded with healthy info like this post and I am insisting they respect my boundaries or I am leaving. Thank you for everything you do Dr. Perry.

    Liked by 8 people

  26. Stella says:

    I LOVE that you explain that the negative stuff that comes into our lives has nothing to do with the law of attraction but it has to do with the law of allowances! It’s so true. I personally do not believe I have somehow magically attracted the negativity that has come into my life. I have to own the fact that I am responsible for what I allow into my life. Thank you!

    Liked by 9 people

  27. So true that our experiences go back to our childhood, good and bad, sometimes without that realisation. My worst negative behaviour was doubting my self-worth and using negative self-talk. But I can happily say that I have shifted my mindset and tackled this issue in my life. I am happy to say that I like the person I have found as I have peeled back those layers. Your words can be very powerful, thank you.

    Liked by 10 people

  28. I was always stifled by my mother when I was a kid. In my teen years, things didn’t get any better. My opinions were not important, what I wanted was never a consideration. I carry that with me all the time thinking that what I have to say is unimportant. It’s a rough road.

    Liked by 9 people

  29. I’m glad to read this post tonight. I’ve always been complimented for having great insight. After reading this, however, I realized my insight had not included how damaged I was in this area when I was a child.
    Recently I was challenged by a grandchild I have done way too much for. In fact I’ve gotten in God’s way. When I decided to withdraw my financial help, she was extremely abusive. She even said something so incredibly hurtful I couldn’t believe it. She said, “You’ve not only lost a son this year (referring to her uncle who died in September) you’ve lost a grandchild.”
    As you can imagine I was hurt deeply, but I will not be abused and I let her know.
    It’s a pattern as you said. I knew no feeling of value when I needed that the most.
    I hope those reading this won’t neglect themselves as long as I have.

    Liked by 8 people

  30. Lostinlalaland says:

    Excellent article. As you say, it comes down to boundaries and what you allow people to do. Thank you for another great post.

    Liked by 6 people

  31. JanBeek says:

    I am not aware of any negative behaviors that I “allow” in my life… unless it is (hmmm… I can’t even finish that sentence). I can’t control other’s actions or attitudes, but I can control mine – and like you, I choose to set healthy boundaries and stick to them (well… at least MOST of the time). Nobody’s perfect!

    Liked by 6 people

  32. This is great insight Dr. Perry. My father was judgemental and critical of me as a child and I repeated this behavior in my adult relationships. Awareness and consciousness of our behaviors and the why behind them is a great start; we then have to do the hard work required to become better versions of ourselves so as not to perpetuate the flaws of the older generations.

    Liked by 5 people

  33. Marsh Buice says:

    Doc I love this one. “The Law Of Allowance” I’ve learned albeit the hard way that you get what you allow. If you do the inner work of positive self-care and as you grow internally you allow less b.s. externally.

    Liked by 8 people

  34. Sam says:

    There are so many negative behaviors that I have allowed in the past. Moving forward I am setting healthier boundaries.

    Liked by 4 people

  35. odell01 says:

    It appears you have something constructive and distinct in the works. I am sure your “Reframe Your Pain” group will go well.

    Helping people uncover their problems in relationships is a kind undertaking. I wish you all the best.

    Liked by 5 people

  36. Amazing post! This message came at a much needed time for me. You’re right- It’s so important to practice self awareness and break those cycles of what we allow.

    Liked by 9 people

  37. I have allowed abusive behavior in my past. I am only now digging up the origins. I recently just remembered a couple incidents from childhood where my dad was VERY angry and acted out. It was a bit shocking because I never thought of my dad as angry but almost putting his fist through my face (i moved just in time and he ripped the vinyl chair) because I cussed in a whisper all the way down the hall from him… that is anger.
    Obviously it is not just one incident but I have to be very mindful now to watch for the beginning signs of disrespect. It never starts with physical acts.

    Liked by 5 people

  38. Matt says:

    This is right on! “It is important to point out that the allowance of negative behaviors, from people in your life, is not because of a law of attraction but has everything to do with the law of allowances” Life is all about what you allow to blossom!

    Liked by 4 people

  39. Jamie Joseph says:

    Love this post! I am just now getting to the point where I can feel confident setting the right boundaries. Thank you for the confirmation. Sometimes I start doubting myself and start sliding backwards.

    Liked by 3 people

  40. justjanke says:

    This is profound; it challenges you to think, to assess, to feel, while still opening your eye to anew. This touched me in a way that most words can not. Your writing is beautiful.

    Liked by 3 people

  41. Risingfromtheashes says:

    This post resonated with me so much. When I was younger I let so many people walk all over me because I felt like I wasn’t worth much. I learned this from my family. I am older and wiser now. What you say about the negative core belief is so true!

    Liked by 2 people

  42. Very interesting perspective. The first two sentences of your post are me exactly. It is such a hard prison to break free of when everyone is insisting you are the problem, not them. The philosophy re: “it takes two to tango” suddenly becomes a language they do not speak. Things will not change so you either must end the dance or continue as it has always been.

    I can identify with a lot of what you wrote, especially what we allow and what our boundaries are, if they even exist. Maybe I waited too long to establish them or even use them and most of the people around me refused to accept them. They expect-rather, demand-you remain the same person you were as a child and/or the person you were before you stood up for yourself. If not, you are not worth their time or trouble. It is a humiliating lesson to find out you care about people who think so little of you.

    Liked by 2 people

  43. luckynomes says:

    This speaks directly to me and as it appears, many of us have had boundaries stomped on far too many times that they seem to not matter anymore. As a child, I grew up with a step father who was always a yeller and I could never do anything right. He was hard to please and vein easily angered I found myself molding my own moods depending on how he was going to be. It was exhausting (and created much anxiety) in my adult life. He is no longer apart of my life but unfortunately, I find myself lying down my boundaries still to appease others (as expected usually men) and the more I’ve done so, the less it seems to hurt. I have reflected a ton on boundaries and every time I stick with one, it is a small victory but gives me my own independence back. Thank you for sharing such an insightful post.

    Liked by 2 people

  44. Kansasborn says:

    Awesome post. I love the “law of allowances” I don’t believe in the law of attraction. It’s silly to think I am attracting the band people who come into my life. I think it’s about what you allow ( as you explain in this great post!) it’s all about healthy boundaries!

    Liked by 2 people

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