Written by Dr. Perry, PhD
Image Credit: Pixabay
Unfortunately, there are individuals who believe they are doomed to duplicate past mistakes and to repeat the same pattern of negative experiences. They mistakenly believe that it is their fault or their destiny to attract negative behaviors from others. They expect to experience and accept horrible behaviors from people they have allowed into their intimate circle of friends. Throughout their lives, their personal boundaries have been chiseled away to the point that they are nonexistent or minimal. Without healthy personal boundaries, they have adapted to allow toxic behaviors. They have become highly tolerant and resistant to behaviors that would cause individuals with healthy boundaries to sound the alarm and run.
It is important to point out that the allowance of negative behaviors, from people in your life, is not because of a law of attraction but has everything to do with the law of allowances. What negative behaviors are you willing to allow from the people who surround you? It can be as simple as allowing a person to take a week to respond to your text. Or, it can be as serious as allowing abusive behaviors in your relationships. Much of the allowances you permit have their origins in your childhood. If you were raised to believe that you do not deserve much then you will expect little. Also, you will tend to repeat patterns in your relationships due to your law of allowances.
Repetition of negative behaviors originates in your negative core belief. What you hold true about yourself is a result of a pattern of behaviors that you have experienced. If you have only known toxic behavior from loved ones then this is all you will ever expect. For example, if you have never known kindness and compassion in a loving relationship, such as that with your parents, you will not know to expect it. You cannot expect something you have never seen.
As children, we learn the initial rules of relationships from our parents. They are our earliest role models as to what to expect in our own interactions with people. We learn by watching how our parents interact with each other and most importantly how they interact with us. If your parents did not respect and foster your boundaries then you may grow up thinking you do not deserve to have healthy boundaries. We learn to mirror the behaviors that we experience. For example, if your parents constantly exhibited inappropriate or aggressive behaviors towards you and had little or no respect for your personal boundaries then we will tend to gravitate towards relationships that mirror the relationship you had with your parents. It is important to reflect on our earliest relationships to discover the source of our lack of healthy boundaries.
It is possible to unlearn our earliest childhood lessons. Awareness is a key element for learning how to establish boundaries in all of our relationships. Eventually, each healthy interaction we have will represent a brick to build a wall to shield us from unacceptable behaviors.
I would like to know what negative behaviors you allow in your life that you need to stop. It is important to heal from past negative relationships and to learn not to repeat the same behaviors you have allowed. I would love to hear your thoughts on this post.
The thoughts expressed in this blog post are my own and are not meant to create a therapeutic relationship with the reader. This blog does not replace or substitute the help of a mental health professional. Please note, I am unable to answer your specific mental health questions as I am not fully aware of all of the circumstances.
Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology
M.A. in Clinical Psychology
B.A. in Psychology
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