What Lies Beneath Your Emotions

Written by Dr. Perry, PhD
Image Credit: Pixabay

“People have motives and thoughts of which they are unaware.” ~Albert Ellis

What if you hated someone who you were socially and morally expected to love? For instance, what if you felt hate for your sibling, child or spouse? These feelings, if openly expressed and acknowledged, would be reprehensible to you. According to the theory of reaction formation, these feelings that we fear and deny will cause our unconscious to exaggerate the opposite of what we are feeling in order to avoid feeling anxiety.

Reaction formation is an ego defense mechanism. One of Sigmund Freud’s concepts, which is still relevant today, is that of psychological defense mechanisms. Freud developed the idea of the defense mechanism from his belief in the Id, Ego and Superego. Freud believed that humans are driven to avoid tension and feelings of anxiety that arise when there is a conflict between the Id and the Ego. As a result of the conflict that threatens how we view ourselves, we seek to diminish unpleasant feelings through unconscious defense mechanisms.

In the case of reaction formation, the thought of hating one’s sibling, child or spouse would cause one much anxiety and internal conflict. The reaction (impulses and emotions), in this case, hate, is not acceptable and will cause our ego to have anxiety. In order to prevent this, we will try to avoid the feared emotion by engaging in its opposite. Essentially, the true feeling is masked in the exaggerated opposite feeling in order to avoid internal conflict and anxiety. The idea is that the rejected impulse (hate) will exist undeveloped in our subconscious and the resulting emotion does not substitute the hate, it merely masks it.

Freud postulated that our instincts are arranged in pairs. For example, life vs death, action vs passivity, love vs hate and construction vs destruction. In the case of hate, in order to avoid feeling anxiety over how we truly feel,  we respond by engaging in an overflow of love to conceal the hostility.  Love, in this case, will become an exaggerated performance. An example of this is the mother who bears an unwanted child. The mother will become extremely solicitous and overprotective to convince both herself and the child that she is a good mom and does indeed love her child.

The love that arises from the defense mechanism of reaction formation is not based on real emotion. It is love that sprouts as a reaction to our initial feelings of hate. As such, it is a love that is exaggerated, showy, inflexible and compulsive. It is a love that cannot adapt to changing circumstances as genuine emotions. It is a love that must be constantly on display as if any lapse in the performance will cause the real and contrary emotion to display itself.

Some other examples of reaction formation are as follows:

1. Displaying high ideals of virtue and goodness may be reaction formation against primitive urges

2. Altruism may mask selfishness

3. Piety may mask sinfulness

4. A phobia may mask a person’s desires

5. Stockholm syndrome is an example of  hate masking as love

The concept of reaction formation may be difficult to grasp or identify completely. It is an effective defense mechanism that can be disguised in many ways. Essentially, the defense mechanism of reaction formation causes you to express the opposite of your inner feelings through your outward behavior. Your subconscious will choose to express emotions that it deems safe in order to avoid anxiety. Many of us engage in this behavior without being aware of why we act in a certain way. Please note, this is a psychoanalytic theory and is not meant to apply to all situations. I would love to hear about your thoughts and/or experiences with this defense mechanism known as reaction formation.

The thoughts expressed in this blog post are my own and are not meant to create a therapeutic relationship with the reader nor are they meant to be used for self-diagnosis. This write up is not all-inclusive and is meant to provoke curiosity on the subject. This blog does not replace or substitute the help of a mental health professional.

Please note, I am unable to answer your specific mental health or psychology related questions as I am not fully aware of all of the circumstances.

Dr. Perry

Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology
M.A. in Clinical Psychology
B.A. in Psychology

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81 responses to What Lies Beneath Your Emotions

  1. Nice article, in the context of religious organizations I have witnessed ”Piety may mask sinfulness” my observations span decades and I am convinced, the holly and more ” piety, ” expressed the greater the issue..

    Liked by 11 people

  2. A number of years ago I was told to give what I hoped to receive and act the way I wanted to be treated. Your post has me pondering this concept a bit deeper and from a varied perspective. Thought provoking, indeed, Dr. Perry. Thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 9 people

  3. Sharon says:

    Such an interesting piece Dr Perry!!! Personally, I am trying to deal with this utmost contempt for my oldest sibling. There are days I feel it borders on hate- but, because society in general says we aren’t supposed to feel that way towards family- I try to bury my feelings. I am finding though, that the more I bury it and try to act as though I love this sibling- the more the contempt is actually growing.

    Liked by 10 people

  4. Nyxinked says:

    Wonderful post! I always enjoy seeing that you have a new blog post up, they are always full of information and thought-provoking material. Not to mention you are a fantastic writer.

    I’ll be taking my time thinking about this one. x

    Liked by 9 people

  5. This is a very interesting post. It has me doing a little soul searching. It also reminds me of the antagonists in Lifetime movies. With that being said, how can the affected person recognize when someone is walking in reaction formation? Sooner or later the truth is bound to come out. I think I’d like to know sooner rather than later.

    Liked by 8 people

  6. jonicaggiano says:

    Very interesting Doctor. I have always thought that really having angry or hateful thoughts towards another meant that you had to have feelings for that person to start with. I don’t think hating anyone is a healthy thing to do ever but than I try to focus on the positive in people. Extremely interesting post Doctor and very thought provoking. Thank you.

    Liked by 8 people

  7. Sunshine24/7 says:

    Really interesting topic. I have never heard of this! Thank you very much for explaining and introducing me to this thought provoking idea.

    Liked by 7 people

  8. mividadespuesdeldivorcio says:

    Amazing! In Spanish I read Walter Riso have his entire collections of books, I love this subject, always have, I really enjoyed reading this post.

    Liked by 6 people

  9. Mrs. C says:

    It took me a bit but I understand this concept now. Thank you for explaining it so clearly. Very interesting and makes you think.

    Liked by 7 people

  10. I absolutely loved this writing piece, it is beautifully compelling – also it gives you insight to things you were once oblivious too. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and making a difference!!!

    Liked by 7 people

    • Dr. Perry says:

      You have been marked as spam. Please review my comment policy on the website version of my blog.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Aside from interesting this is also sad. We are ruled by what is and isn’t correct, and of course it will have an effect because we are always trying to hide. Fascinating topic, thank you.

    Liked by 8 people

  12. curious•pondering says:

    I needed to read this. I am glad that you wrote it and explained it as clearly as you did.

    Liked by 7 people

  13. Intriguing!! Honestly, I have a similar relationship with my sibling. Since our childhood we’ve had a rocky relationship. When we fought, I’d have a really scary moment afterwards where I’d think, “I really just hate him,” and then automatically feel like I needed to compensate for that emotion, cause I felt it was wrong. And I never understood why I never truly felt better!
    I’ve always felt a really uncomfortable mix of guilt and confusion, and you’ve just helped me understand these emotions and how I should change my way of thinking. Thank you very much!!

    Liked by 5 people

  14. Thank you for this insightful and helpful article. This article has helped me identify those times in my life where I fit right here. At age 66, I am still learning about myself and continue to grow.

    Liked by 6 people

    • Dr. Perry says:

      You’re welcome. Thank you for reading and I am happy to hear you found the post interesting.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. DorothyMarie says:

    Interesting topic. I’d never heard of this before. I don’t think I’ve ever done this before. I went through a period where I disliked my brother. But I never pretended to like him. I just dealt with the anxiety. I truly disrespected him and avoided him mostly.

    Liked by 6 people

  16. weepingsnowflake says:

    This definitely makes me understand different scenarios on a deeper level. Thank you for sharing

    Liked by 6 people

  17. kalanleitch says:

    I see this in action all the time in the teaching community. Teachers who are literally victimised by students develop an overt attachment to those students. It’s happened to me personally… strangely comforting to have a syndrome to attach to it.

    Liked by 5 people

  18. Number 4 is fascinating. I’ve heard it said that our fears reflect our desires. It’s always interesting hearing your objective voice. Not always easy to look in the mirror.

    Liked by 6 people

  19. Thanks for all the inspiring words and informative posts. I also wanted to let you know that I nominated you for the Mystery Blogger Award. Congrats! You deserve it! No worries if you don’t have time to write an award post. Have a great week!

    Liked by 4 people

  20. Thank you for sharing Dr. Perry. At times, I couldn’t understand the love-hate relationship with my siblings. It feels weird to hate them because they are related (by blood) with us. Even we are upset, we are required to portray the best attitude towards family members, ie forgiving, patience, supportive. Probably it’s also due to family value taught by parents, and we were not taught to acknowledge how we feel all the time, simple reason because life doesn’t just revolve around us.

    Liked by 4 people

  21. I can see how this plays out. I for one was brought up to suppress primitive urges and now I KNOW my primitive urges are real and what shapes me. Therefore, I’m into the arts: acting, dancing, painting, writing. That is where I find myself. Or rather, the energy that shapes me. I like to know that I’m not one entity but an organic organism that moves with the people I’m with and the environment I’m in.

    Liked by 3 people

  22. Leonard L. Sand says:

    Dr. Perry, thank you for writing and sharing this interesting article about reaction formation! I’m looking forward to read more of your articles!

    Liked by 4 people

  23. Thank you for sharing the insightful article. It interesting to read that ‘anxiety and internal conflict’ can lead to hate. For many years I had a strong emotional dislike for my mother. Part of me felt justified to do so – but at the same time I felt ashamed of myself. It is only after I made a decision to forgive myself and everybody everything, that today I love her.

    Liked by 4 people

  24. Hi Dr. Perry,
    This is mind-bending stuff! I know you can’t answer personal questions for liability reasons, but this sounds much like the love-bombing phase that is part of the narcissistic abuse pattern/dynamic. I’ve been love bombed by many of my abusers over the years; parents, spouse and child, and although I’m able to spot it more readily now, sadly… after reading this… I’m now not sure if I’ve ever been loved? I was going to ask you to write an article about how to know the difference between love and love-bombing, and the answer just appeared… there’s no abuse. Bingo. Eye-opening!

    Liked by 3 people

  25. Such an interesting post. I’ve never heard of reaction formation, but can now pick a part pieces of my own behavior that align with it. My family was very religious when I was growing up. And similar to a good chuck of people who follow religion, we had a host of skeletons in the closet. Our desire to do good wasn’t as pure as I’d like to believe.

    Liked by 4 people

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